Unless you’re a complete misanthrope, you’ll probably be headed somewhere at some point during the upcoming holiday season. Whether you’re with friends or family, you’ll want to take something along to show your appreciation for being invited and also to show that you’re not a complete piker.
But what to take?
That’s a question that is fraught with minefields, and it seems like no one has a good answer. Too cheap, and you look insulting. Too much, and you look like a braggart. It’s a thin line, and drinking steadily from Halloween until Valentine’s Day doesn’t make navigating it any easier.
Until now.
Because I want to help alleviate your stress, and because I am a giver, here is The Suniverse’s Holiday Gift Guide. It’s a foolproof list of what to take as a gift wherever you are going. It’s divided by age and relationship, like science classifications, so you can rest assured that the information is tested and true. What are you waiting for? Take a look and get started!
Your parents
YOUNG:
Nothing. You’re still a kid in their eyes.
NOT-SO-YOUNG:
A home-baked goodie, or a reasonable facsimile.
REALLY-NOT-SO-YOUNG:
Nothing. You’ve been a great disappointment. They expect nothing of you, so you can just deliver.
Your in-laws / partner’s parents
YOUNG:
A giant basket of goodies from a swank store that seems to only exist for the holiday season, like Harry & David.
NOT-SO-YOUNG:
A couple of bottles of good wine. [You can get it from Costco. No one will know. HAHAHA. Everyone will know. Everyone belongs to Costco.]
REALLY-NOT-SO-YOUNG:
A couple of bottles of decent wine and vodka in your water bottle, that you need to keep with you because you’re hydrating from that bout of the flu you had when you had to miss their slideshow of their cruise to Alaska.
Your single sibling’s house
YOUNG:
Vodka.
NOT-SO-YOUNG:
Vodka.
REALLY-NOT-SO-YOUNG:
Vodka. And possibly some Oreos.
Your married sibling’s house
YOUNG:
A couple of bottles of decent wine and vodka in a flask, so your hyperkinetic nieces and nephews don’t accidentally swill some out of your water bottle like they did on Thanksgiving two years ago.
NOT-SO-YOUNG:
A stupidly expensive giant box of Godiva chocolates and a homemade pie that is “almost as good as Mom’s” that nobody will touch and you’ll take with you when you leave so you can powereat it at midnight during a Gilmore Girls marathon.
REALLY-NOT-SO-YOUNG:
Xanax for everyone!
Your boss’s house
YOUNG:
A nice bottle of wine.
NOT-SO-YOUNG:
A really nice bottle of wine.
REALLY-NOT-SO-YOUNG:
Your regrets, as your significant other is having surgery that day and needs a ride home from the hospital.
Your best friend’s house
YOUNG:
Nothing. Why would you need to take them a present? You practically live there.
NOT-SO-YOUNG:
A stupidly expensive set of fancy candles you know she won’t buy herself but desperately wants.
REALLY-NOT-SO-YOUNG:
Pie and wine. And stretchy pants.
Your frenemy’s house
YOUNG:
Super fancy dish towels from Luxembourg.*
NOT-SO-YOUNG:
Super fancy soaps and lotions from France.*
REALLY-NOT-SO-YOUNG:
Super fancy wine and cheese from Spain.*
*Or nothing, because fuck her, for real.
This post is sponsored by -
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Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.Enjoy, lovers.
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